Unrequited
by gillyandersons
Summary: Monica can't help but stare at Scully. She loves her but unfortunately, Scully doesn't feel the same way.


"You're staring" the gruff voice whispers from over your shoulder, pulling you back into reality. You feel the smooth skin of John Dogett's chin rest upon your bare shoulder as his warm breath tickles the side of your neck.

"What? I'm not... I mean, no. I wasn't-I wasnt" you stumble over your words feeling utterly flustered, not sure if you're trying to convince John or yourself. But the lie suddenly does on your tongue. John Doggett is your best friend and he knows you better than you know yourself. Lying to him would just be futile. "I'm that obvious, huh?" You groan, sighing deeply, leaning into John's embrace as he wraps his arm around your shoulder.

"Mon, you look like a lovesick teenager" he chuckles, rubbing your arm. "You've got those cartoon bulging heart eyes popping right outta your pretty little head"

You groan again and bury your head into his chest as he tightens his embrace around you, placing a soft and tender kiss atop your head. You breathe him in and mentally cold yourself. You and John would be perfect for one another in a different life, heck, maybe even this one if you weren't so madly in love with Scully.

"It hurts, John" you whisper, suddenly becoming overwhelmed with emotion. Your already heavy heart sinks in further into your chest as you hear Dana's melodic laughter from across the room.

"I know, Mon" he whispers back, rubbing circles up and down your back. "I know"

You flick your deep eyes over to where she is stood. She's still laughing, and God does she look beautiful. Stunning even. The sun is setting and the rays are streaming through the window, illuminating her in the most breathtaking of ways. Her red hair shimmers and glows, showing off its true beauty. Her ocean blue eyes are so clear even from the opposite side of the room and you can feel yourself getting lost in them.

You feel your heart shatter into a million tiny pieces as she stands up on her tip toes to peck Mulder lovingly in the lips before her face twists into a sickly happy smile. She looks so happy and in love and you wish that she looked and smiled at you the way she did Mulder.

"Aw man, you've really got it bad, ain't ya?" John drawls, obviously having caught you starring once again. "C'mon, let's get outta here!"

That sounds like the best thing you've heard all day, because you don't know how much longer you can stand being around the woman you love without crumbling to the floor. But you've barely been here an hour, and you and John are William's God-parents. It would be rude to just leave the poor boys Birthday party.

"Mon, the kid is two years old. He ain't gonna remember" John adds, clearly reading your thoughts. "An' besides, he fell asleep twenty minutes ago"

"I suppose" you shrug, your heart suddenly stopping as you see Scully approaching you.

"You're leaving?" She asks, a hint of disappointment evident in her voice as she spies John handing you your jacket.

"Yeah, sorry. Monica's feeling a little under the weather so I'm gonna drive her home" John smiled sympathetically, the lie flowing smoothly from his tongue.

"Are you okay?!" Scully asks, now obviously worrying.

"I'm fine" you force a weak smile. "Just a headache and a sore throat. I'm probably just tired but I don't want to get you or William ill, just in case"

"Oh" Scully frowns. "Well okay, I hope you feel better soon" she smiles, reaching across to grab your hand.

Oh God her skin is so soft.

"Thanks" you snatch your hand away as though the other woman's fingertips are made of fire and run your fingers through your hair to cover it up.

"Thank you for coming anyway" Scully smiles sweetly as she walks you to the door, hugging John and kissing him on the cheek.

You suddenly feel her arms wrap around you and pull you in for a hug. Your whole body tenses and your heart starts to pound a mile a minute against your rib cage and you pray to whatever deity that will listen that Scully does not pick up on this. Her silky red locks tickle your nose and her scent invades your nostrils. She smells like the coconut body lotion you bought her for Christmas. That and home.

Dammit Monica! You scold yourself.

You pull away from Scully and mutter a goodbye before turning on your heal towards the front door. You're so flustered that you walk smack bang into the wooden thing face first.

"Shit" you grumble as you feel a blush burn your cheeks, opening the door and escaping as quickly as humanly possible.

You're trembling and your chest feels tight as John joins you as you're all but running down the stairs, desperate for the fresh air.

"Shit, Mon. You need a drink!"

(-)

"Another!" Your demand is slurred as you slam your glass down on the beer mat. The barkeep looks to Doggett who just shrugs and signals him to refill your glass.

"You should really slow down" he tells you as you chug the whiskey down in one.

The bitter liquid stopped burning your throat two glasses back, but whether or not that's down you how drunk you are right now you're not sure. You don't care. You've decided you're going to drink until you forget about Scully. Either that or pass out. You don't mind which one, as long as you get some peace for a few hours.

You plan is failing though, because she is all you can think of. You can still feel her arms around you. Still smell her body lotion. Still hear her beautiful laugh and the disappointment and worry in her voice when she thought you were ill. Still see her radiant smile after she kissed Mulder.

Mulder. You should probably hate the man right? He's married to Scully. He gets to hold her and kiss her and gets to love her. He is the father of her child. He (and the fact Scully isn't even remotely into you that way) is the only thing stopping you from having your happy ending. So by principle, you should hate him, right? Wrong. Fox Mulder is one of your closest friends. There isn't a shred of hatred inside you towards him. Jealousy maybe, but not hatred. You admire him, on both a personal and a professional level. He is an incredible human being.

You see the way he looks at Scully. It's the same way you look at her. You know how much the both of them have gone through and how hard they fought to get to where they are today. They love each other so deeply, and you know Mulder would never intentionally hurt Scully. You know how much he loves her ad how happy he makes her. And that's all that matters really, that she is happy. Whether or not it's you that makes her happy.

Maybe it would make things easier if you could bring yourself to hate Mulder.

Fuck.

"Another!" You slur, ignoring John's intense eyes. "Thanks" you smile at the bartender before once again chugging the brown liquid in your glass.

You start to feel sick but you push the nausea away. You know you're blind drunk now but you still can't shake the thoughts of Scully from your mind. John has excused himself to go to the bathroom and the bartender is busy the other end of the bar. You feel your eyes start to burn with tears, blurring your already double vision. You swipe at your eyes before you lean over the bar and grab the bottle of whiskey, unscrewing the top and drinking straight from the bottle.

"Hey!" The bartender growls but you just pull your credit card from your pocket and slide it across the bar, effectively shutting the man up.

"What the hell?!" You hear John snap as he comes out if the bathroom. "I told you to keep an eye on her!" The bartender simply shrugs, handing John your credit card. "Okay, that's enough, Mon. Let's get you home"

You feel him take the now almost empty bottle from your possession before he grabs your purse and throws it over his shoulder. You feel like protesting as he loops your arm around his neck and hoists you up, but you've got no fight left in you.

"C'mon, Monica. You gotta work with me here" John groans as he strains to get you out of the door. Your feet don't seem to be working and you know you're a dead weight, but you honestly don't care any more. A part of you wishes he would just drop you and leave you in a gutter and leave you to wither away in the cold of the night, because sometimes you honestly feel like you can't go on.

"I don't feel too good" you moan, clutching your stomach. You've somehow made it to the car and John lies you down in the back seat.

The whir of the motor is soothing and it lulls you into a light sleep and you wake up almost immediately and find that John has pulled up into your driveway. He once again loops your arm around his neck and hoists you out of the car, pulling you up the driveway and into your home. You feel him sweep you off your feet and into his arms before he claims the stairs and makes his way to your bedroom, placing you gently onto your bed.

"I feel sick" you mumble as you feel the bile rising up your throat.

You clumsily get off the bed and stumble towards the bathroom but you don't make it and end up vomiting halfway down yourself and in your laundry hamper.

"Oops"

"Jesus, Monica!" John exclaimed, his voice more worried than angry.

You feel another round of vomit making it's way up your throat ad thankfully this time you make it to the toilet. John joins you in the bathroom a few moments later, placing your pyjamas over the edge of the bathtub before crouching next to you and rubbing your back.

You mush have gotten puke in your hair as he begins to clean it with a damp cloth and pulling it into as best a pony tail as he can.

"Drink this" he hands you a glass of water once you're finished puking and moves to wipe the vomit from your face. You gulp at the water, thankful that it helps get the acidic taste from your tongue.

"I'm so sorry" your voice breaks as you feel John tugging at your vomit covered shirt. You don't care that he is gonna see you in your bra and panties. It's not the first time and it probably won't be the last. You know John likes you, most probably loves you, but he cares and respects you too much to take advantage of you. You feel yourself on the brink of breaking down and re too drunk to control your emotions.

"It's okay" he says in a rough, yet soothing, voice as he throws your dirty shirt into the hamper before pulling the fresh one over your head.

"I'm such a mess, John" you confess as he removes your shoes, propping you up against the side of the tub. "I love her so much that it hurts. I don't want to love her, I really don't. I want to be happy but I can't!"

"I know it hurts, Monica. I know that you're in pain, okay? And I know how hard you're trying to cope with your feelings, but you can't keep going out and getting blind drunk" he cups your cheek and his thumb ghosts over your cheek bone. "This isn't the answer"

You break down fully, sobs wracking your body as John sits down beside you, one leg either side of you as he pulls you into his chest tightly. You sob against him as he rocks you soothingly and whispers comforting words into your ear, kissing the top of your head every so often. You grip onto his t-shirt, holding onto it as though it were your only life line. Because that's what he is really, your life line. The person who pulls you back up when your thoughts of Dana Scully are drowning you. Dana Scully might very well be the love of your life, but John Doggett is your soul mate.

The ache in your heart only seems to get heavier by the second, making you fall harder and harder for Scully. And you hate yourself for it. She is one of your closest friends. Hell, you were more or less her Maid of Honour when she married Mulder. You're William's Godmother. You, along with John, spent last Christmas at Maggie Scully's house. You're practically family. You're a mess and you know it. You're in love with the one woman you can't have. You don't even know if you want her, of course you do but having her would hurt. In another life, maybe. But not this one. In this life she is finally happy and in love. She is finally living the life she fought tooth and nail for. And there is no way you are going to mess that up or take t away from her. You love her too much to act on your feelings. You're just going to have to live her from afar and suffer in silence.

Maybe in the next life you will get your happy ending


End file.
